Valentine’s Day, mixed emotions, and why fulfillment can’t be bought

Valentine’s Day has a way of turning the emotional volume knob all the way up.

For some, it’s the first year finally having someone to celebrate with—sweet, affirming, tender.
For others, it’s the sharp ache of noticing who isn’t here anymore.
For many, it highlights singleness in a culture that still equates being partnered with being lovable.
And for some, it sparks a quiet (or loud) rebellion against the commodification of love altogether.

All of those reactions make sense.

-“I didn’t know a holiday could make me feel grateful and lonely at the same time.”
-“I love my partner—and I still miss the person I lost.”
- “I’m single, and I’m tired of being marketed to like I’m incomplete.”

✧ An ACT Lens: Feelings Don’t Compete—They Coexist

From an Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) perspective, emotional pain around Valentine’s Day isn’t a sign that you’re doing love wrong. It’s a sign that connection matters.

ACT reminds us that humans don’t have one feeling at a time—we have systems of feelings.
Joy and grief can sit at the same table.
Relief and resentment can share a moment.
Love can feel grounding and destabilizing all at once.

When we try to suppress the “unacceptable” feelings—sadness, envy, grief, ambivalence—we often end up more exhausted. Suppression takes effort. Authenticity, while vulnerable, tends to require less long-term energy.

“The moment I stopped trying to be grateful enough, I could actually feel what was there.”

Psychological flexibility means making room for whatever shows up and choosing actions aligned with what matters.

✦ Valentine’s Day in a Capitalistic Culture

We live in a capitalistic society. When something reliably evokes positive emotion, it becomes marketable. That’s not inherently bad.

There is nothing wrong with providing thoughtful products, meaningful services, or creative innovations.

The issue isn’t the offering—it’s the illusion that fulfillment can be purchased.

Psychological research consistently shows that while material rewards can increase short-term pleasure, they do not sustain long-term well-being. What lasts is meaning—a values-based sense of purpose, connection, and contribution.

That is what ACT calls values: internally chosen directions for living, not externally imposed milestones.

♥ Love as a Transformative Practice (Not a Product)

Whether you lean into Valentine’s Day, ignore it entirely, or approach it with skepticism, love remains transformative.

Not just romantic love—but:

friendship
chosen family
caregiving
community
remembrance
self-respect

As social mammals, we regulate through connection. Nervous systems calm in safe relationships. Meaning is made between us.

Perhaps this is a return to quieter foundations of intimacy:

thoughtful gestures
shared attention
presence without performance
time that isn’t optimized, monetized, or posted

“The best part wasn’t the gift. It was the hour we actually talked.”

✦ Untrendy but True ✦

Love that lasts isn’t flashy.

Fulfillment doesn’t come from proving you’re lovable—it comes from living in alignment with what you care about.

Material things can be lovely.
They just aren’t the foundation.

No bouquet can substitute for being seen.
No reservation can replace emotional safety.
No holiday can define the worth of your connections.

Whether today brings sweetness, sorrow, irritation, relief, or all of the above—you are not doing it wrong.

Love, in all its forms, remains one of the most powerful forces we have.

✧ For the Curious

📚 Books

A Liberated Mind — Steven C. Hayes
Daring Greatly — Brené Brown
The High Price of Materialism — Tim Kasser

🎧 Podcasts

Where Should We Begin? — Esther Perel
The Happiness Lab
Psychologists Off the Clock

▶️ Videos

References

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (2012). Acceptance and commitment therapy: The process and practice of mindful change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

Kasser, T. (2016). The high price of materialism. MIT Press.

Wegner, D. M. (1994). Ironic processes of mental control. Psychological Review, 101(1), 34–52.

Love, Actually…It’s Complicated