🇺🇸 Why “thank you for your service” can land so differently

For some veterans, those words feel seen and appreciated. For others, they can sting—stirring grief for fallen friends, trauma memories, or a belief that they “don’t deserve” recognition. Veterans Day is meaningful, but it’s still just one day. A well-meant phrase doesn’t change the daily realities of transition stress, moral injury, sleep problems, TBI, benefits navigation, or isolation.

If you want to support veterans’ mental health, regular, practical care beats ceremonial gestures. Every time.

💬 Conversation do’s & don’ts

Do

Ask twice. “How are you?” → “How are you really doing this week?”
Offer choice. “Open to talking about your service—or would you rather talk about life right now?”
Name support + follow through. “I’m headed to the store—can I drop a few things at your door?”
Hold both/and. “I’m grateful for your service and I know it can feel complicated. I’m here either way.”
Use specific invitations. “Walk on Thursday at 7?” “Game night on Saturday?”

Don’t

Press for details (“Did you see combat?”). Let the veteran lead.
Assume politics or beliefs. Military service is not a monolith.
Minimize. Skip “At least…” or “You’re strong—you’ll be fine.”
Make it about your curiosity. Center their choice, privacy, and dignity.

🧠 ACT-informed ways to show up (values > perfect words)

Acceptance & Commitment Therapy (ACT) is about living your values in small, repeatable ways—even when emotions are intense.

Connection → Put a recurring check-in on your calendar (text, call, walk).
Service → Offer rides, meals, childcare, or paperwork help—concrete aid lowers mental load.
Respect → Ask preferences (topics, crowds, noise) and follow their lead.
Gratitude → Write a specific, handwritten note naming what you appreciate (reliability, humor, leadership).
Community → Invite (and re-invite) to low-pressure, alcohol-optional hangs.

When “I’ll say the wrong thing” shows up, try: “I’m having the thought I’ll mess up—and I can still offer a ride Friday.” Small actions over perfect words.

📦 Care from home (for those deployed or stationed away)

Care packages: favorite snacks, local coffee, good socks, lip balm, instant oatmeal, photos/notes from home.
Cards: kids’ drawings, hometown news clippings, inside jokes.
Practicality: sturdy tape, pens/notepads, puzzle books
*Be sure to check unit guidelines before sending

🧷 Untrendy but True

“Thank you” is kind. Consistency is kinder.
Pick one supportive action you can repeat. That’s what changes lives.

🧯 If someone might be at risk

Veterans Crisis Line (24/7): Dial 988, then Press 1,
Text 838255, or Chat VeteransCrisisLine.net/Chat
Immediate danger: Call 911 and request a Crisis Intervention Trained (CIT) responder, if available.

🙌 Don’t take my word—meet the people doing the work

Headstrong — Confidential, cost-free mental health care via a national clinician network; rapid access to evidence-based therapy for veterans, service members, and families.
Team Red, White & Blue (Team RWB) — Community + movement for health and connection. Local chapters host weekly physical/social activities that reduce isolation and build routine.
Stop Soldier Suicide — Comprehensive suicide-prevention support founded by veterans. Personalized case management, safety planning, and ongoing follow-up.
The War Horse — Independent, nonprofit newsroom founded by a Marine veteran, reporting deeply on military and veteran issues (moral injury, accountability, family impact) to drive informed change.
Fisher House Foundation — Free lodging for families near VA/DoD medical centers so loved ones can be close during treatment.
Team Rubicon — Veteran-led disaster response that channels skills and purpose into humanitarian deployments at home and abroad.
Cohen Veterans Network — Low- to no-cost outpatient clinics for post-9/11 veterans, service members, and families, focused on timely, evidence-based mental health care.
Travis Manion Foundation — Character & leadership programs and peer support that reconnect veterans to purpose through mentoring youth and community service.
Iraq and Afghanistan Veterans of America (IAVA) — Advocacy + direct support (benefits navigation, mental health, policy change) for post-9/11 veterans.

Want to help today? Donate, volunteer locally, or invite a veteran you know to check out one of these programs—and offer to go with them the first time.

📚 Resources for the Curious

Books & Guides

📖 Tribe: On Homecoming and Belonging — Sebastian Junger
Short, powerful look at community, purpose, and why coming home can be hard.
📖 Thank You for Your Service — David Finkel
Narrative journalism following military families after deployment—human, honest, eye-opening.

Podcast

🎧 Team RWB Podcast
Real conversations about building health, connection, and routine after service.
🎧 Hazard Ground
Veterans tell their stories—focus on resilience and life after the uniform.

🧠 References

Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An Experiential Approach to Behavior Change. Guilford Press.
Hoge, C. W., Castro, C. A., Messer, S. C., McGurk, D., Cotting, D. I., & Koffman, R. L. (2004). Combat duty in Iraq and Afghanistan, mental health problems, and barriers to care. New England Journal of Medicine, 351(1), 13–22.
Litz, B. T., Stein, N., Delaney, E., Lebowitz, L., Nash, W. P., Silva, C., & Maguen, S. (2009). Moral injury and moral repair in war veterans. Clinical Psychology Review, 29(8), 695–706.

Veterans Day: How to check in (and actually help them)