What Are You Choosing to Fund? A Values-Based Approach to Money
Money is a values question. The real question is: what are you choosing to fund?
July 28, 2026
You're not looking at your bank account. And because you're not looking, you also can't spend money on the things that matter to you. You can't book the trip. You can't buy the plants. You can't invest in good food or the video game you've been wanting or the small luxury that would make Tuesday feel less gray.
This isn't about being irresponsible with money. It's about being disconnected from it. When you avoid the numbers, you also avoid the choice. You can't align your spending with your values because you've made it impossible to see what you're actually spending on, what you're avoiding spending on, and what you could be funding if you had a clear picture. Tori Dunlap calls this the gap between financial advice and real life.
“Every dollar you spend—or don’t spend—is a choice that shapes your future. But you can’t make real choices if you’re not looking.”
The work isn't about shame. It's about clarity. It's about asking: what do I actually value? And then building a financial life that reflects that.
🎯 The Avoidance Loop: What You're Actually Missing
When you avoid looking at your account, you're not just avoiding anxiety. You're avoiding choice. You're avoiding the ability to say: "This matters to me, and I'm going to fund it." Or: "This doesn't serve me, and I'm going to stop."
Here's what happens instead: you don't spend on what you love because you're too anxious to look. You also don't know if you're overspending on things that don't matter. You're floating somewhere in the middle—not fully enjoying anything, not fully in control of anything. Late fees rack up not because you're bad with money, but because you can't make informed decisions when you're operating blind.
The spiral isn't really about the numbers. It's about the disconnect between your values and your behavior. You say rest matters. You say meaningful experiences matter. You say good food matters. But you're not spending on them—not because you can't afford them, but because you can't see clearly enough to make the choice.
Meanwhile, money is quietly leaving your account in ways you never approved of, toward things you didn't choose, because you stopped paying attention.
🧠 What the Science Shows
Behavioral psychology shows something interesting: avoidance feels protective in the moment, but it actually increases anxiety over time. The relief you feel by not looking creates a false sense of safety. But underneath, your nervous system is running a low-level panic about the unknown.
But here's what's equally true: when people do look, and they do make intentional choices about their money, anxiety decreases. Not because the numbers are perfect, but because they're not mysterious anymore. You can't make peace with something you won't see. But the moment you see it, you can decide what to do about it.
Research on values-based spending shows that people who align their financial behavior with their actual values report higher life satisfaction, lower anxiety, and more sense of agency. Not because they have more money, but because their money is working for what matters to them. A person spending carefully on travel because it's core to who they are is happier than a person with twice the income who's spending randomly on things they don't care about.
The avoidance isn't the real problem. The disconnection is. You can't value yourself if you're not choosing what to fund.
🧭 The ACT Lens: Looking at the Truth as an Act of Values
Here's the reframe: money is not about shame or control or proving you're good enough. Money is about choice. It's about saying: this matters to me, and I'm going to allocate resources toward it.
When you avoid your account, you're avoiding the ability to make that choice. You're saying, in effect: I don't trust myself to decide what's worth funding. But when you look—when you get clear—you get to ask: What do I actually value? Travel? Rest? Good food? Meaningful objects like plants or candles? Time for hobbies like video games? Creative work? Community?
Most people with financial anxiety have never asked this question because they've been too afraid to look. They've been told money is either about deprivation (budgets, restrictions) or about guilt (you're spending too much). But there's a third option: money as alignment.
ACT says: name your values. Then build a life that reflects them. Your bank account is the tool. It shows you what you're actually choosing to fund. If your choices don't match your values, you get to change that. But only if you're looking.
Acceptance means sitting with the discomfort of whatever the numbers say, without making it mean something about you. Behavioral activation means making one small choice—looking once—that brings your financial behavior closer to your actual values.
🔧 Skills You Can Use
1. Name three things that matter to you.
Not what you think should matter. What actually matters. Travel? Rest? Good food? Creative pursuits? Beauty in your space? Write them down. This is your values anchor.
2. Look once without judgment.
Open one statement. You don't have to understand it all. Just notice: what are you spending money on? What's leaving your account that you didn't authorize? What are you not spending on that you actually care about? This is information, not evaluation.
3. Make one values-aligned choice.
Once you can see, you can choose. Maybe it's redirecting $20 a month toward something you love. Maybe it's stopping a subscription that doesn't serve you. Maybe it's saving for the trip. The size doesn't matter. What matters is the alignment—choosing to fund something because it reflects what you actually value.
🧷 Untrendy but True
Your money is a direct reflection of your choices. If your financial choices don't feel like yours—if you're not intentional, if you're avoiding, if you're not funding what matters—then you've surrendered agency. The numbers won't change until you're willing to look and decide. Look once. Make one aligned choice. That's all it takes to reclaim your money as an expression of your values.
Resources for the Curious
📚 Books
Financial Feminist: Overcome the Patriarchy's Bullsht to Master Your Money and Build a Life You Love* — Tori Dunlap. On the ostrich effect, shame, and how to separate your emotions from your financial decisions. Accessible and judgment-free.
Well Endowed: The Secrets to Strategic Spending, Building a Financial Foundation for You and Your Family, and Creating Lasting Generational Wealth — Vivian Tu. On aligning spending with values and the psychology of money as a tool, not a threat.
The Happiness Trap — Russ Harris. On how avoidance creates more suffering, and how ACT opens another way to relate to anxiety.
🎧 Podcasts
Financial Feminist Podcast — Tori Dunlap. Weekly episodes on the emotions of money, the shame around finances, and practical tools grounded in feminist theory.
Networth and Chill — Vivian Tu. Accessible conversations about money, building wealth, and the psychology of financial decisions.
So Money with Farnoosh Torabi — On behavioral finance, how emotions drive money decisions, and breaking cycles of avoidance.
▶️ Videos
Tori Dunlap on shame, money, and vulnerability (YouTube) — Search "Tori Dunlap Financial Feminist" for interviews on why shame keeps us stuck and what vulnerability in finances looks like.
Vivian Tu on the ostrich effect (YouTube / TikTok) — Short explainers on why we avoid looking at our money and what it costs.
The Neuroscience of Avoidance (TED-Ed or YouTube) — Brief animated explainer on how avoidance works in the brain and why facing something is neurologically easier than avoiding it.
References
Dunlap, T. (2023). Financial feminist: Overcome the patriarchy's bullsht to master your money and build a life you love*. Harper Collins.
Harris, R. (2008). The happiness trap: How to stop struggling and start living. Trumpeter.
Thaler, R. H. (2015). Misbehaving: The making of behavioral economics. W.W. Norton & Company.
Tu, V. (2025). Well endowed: The secrets to strategic spending, building a financial foundation for you and your family, and creating lasting generational wealth. HarperCollins.