Looking at Money Without Looking Away
Avoidance protects us—until it doesn’t
Money is personal. It’s emotional. And for many of us, it’s terrifying to look at.
We’re taught early on—explicitly or not—that talking about money is impolite, taboo, even shameful. So we don’t. We carry it privately, silently. And when money causes stress, we often respond the way we’ve learned to survive: we avoid.
Avoidance gets a bad rap, but in truth, it’s a tool. Sometimes avoidance is wise—don’t enter that dark alleyway, don’t respond to that text while you’re still shaking with anger. Avoidance can keep us safe.
But over time, avoidance also becomes a hiding place. Especially when it comes to money.
🧠 Mental Health Insight
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), avoidance is often the first signpost that something matters. We avoid what feels threatening—but also what feels overwhelming, uncertain, or painful.
And money hits all of those. It brings up scarcity, shame, self-worth, power, family patterns, trauma, and inequity. It’s not just about numbers. It’s about identity, survival, and fear.
When we avoid money, it’s often not because we don’t care—it’s because we care too much, and don’t know where to start.
💸 Money Behaviors Are Messages
Take a moment to ask yourself:
What do I spend money on—and how do I do it?
Maybe you:
Repress spending and then explode with impulse purchases.
Spend to soothe emotional pain.
Avoid looking at your bank account altogether.
Feel guilty no matter what you spend—on yourself or others.
Use coupons religiously—but still feel out of control.
Give generously to others but deprive yourself.
These behaviors aren’t bad. They’re meaningful. They’re stories waiting to be understood.
🌱 From Shame to Choice
Tori Dunlap, in Financial Feminist (2022), reminds us that money can be a tool for choice, stability, freedom, and joy—but only when we’re willing to look at it.
Looking at money clearly doesn’t mean being perfect or rigid. It means being honest. It means recognizing that discomfort is often a doorway. It means choosing to ask questions like:
What does money represent to me?
What narratives have I inherited about it?
How do I spend, save, give, or avoid in ways that align—or misalign—with my values?
A values-based life includes finances. Not because money determines worth, but because how we relate to money affects our time, relationships, energy, and possibilities.
✨ Try This
Instead of avoiding, try noticing.
What emotions come up when you log into your bank account?
What thoughts show up when you spend money on something that brings you joy?
If money didn’t carry shame, what kind of relationship would you want to have with it?
You don’t have to overhaul everything. Just take one small action—like naming what you avoid, or tracking how you feel after spending. That’s where transformation begins.
📚 Resources for the Curious
📖 Book – Dunlap, T. (2022). Financial Feminist: Overcome the Patriarchy’s Bullsht to Master Your Money and Build a Life You Love*. Dey Street Books.
🎧 Podcast – Her First $100K with Tori Dunlap
📓 Tool – Money Awareness Tracker. Try tracking money-related urges and emotions for one week. Not to judge—just to notice.
📄 Research –
Hayes, S. C., Strosahl, K. D., & Wilson, K. G. (1999). Acceptance and Commitment Therapy: An Experiential Approach to Behavior Change. Guilford Press.
Luoma, J. B., & Platt, M. G. (2015). Values in Therapy: A Clinician's Guide to Helping Clients Explore Values, Increase Psychological Flexibility, and Live a More Meaningful Life. New Harbinger Publications.