October 27, 2026
What Dinner for Vampires teaches us about faith, control, and finding our way back
🎯 Reframe / Why this matters
In folklore, a vampire can't come into your home unless you invite it in.
High-control groups work the same way. They rarely force their way into anyone's life. They're welcomed in, because they arrive looking exactly like what we've been missing: family, purpose, spiritual depth, a place to belong.
That's what happened to actor Bethany Joy Lenz, best known for One Tree Hill. In her memoir, Dinner for Vampires, she describes growing up as an only child who moved often and longed for belonging, then finding what felt like a safe haven in a Bible study group with other Hollywood creatives. Over roughly a decade, that group became a high-control community. It separated her from her family, steered her into marrying the leader's son, assigned "minders" to watch her on set, and quietly drained millions of dollars from her earnings. She finally left after becoming a mother, because she didn't want her child raised the same way.
I want to be clear about something important: this is not a post against faith. Lenz's story isn't about Christianity being a cult. It's about how control can hide inside the language of faith, love, and family. The need that drew her in, the need to belong, was never the problem. The problem was the people who used that need against her.
(If you read my September 8 blog post on the coercion cycle, you'll recognize some of the patterns. This week goes deeper into why belonging can be turned into a weapon, and why leaving is so hard.)
🧠 What the science shows
Belonging is a basic human need. Psychologists consider the need to belong as fundamental as food and shelter. When it isn't met, it affects our health, our thinking, and our judgment (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). Lonely, uprooted, or grieving people aren't foolish when they join these groups. They're human, and high-control groups often look for people in exactly those seasons of life.
Control often looks like care. Cult researcher Steven Hassan describes the BITE model: control of Behavior, Information, Thoughts, and Emotions (Hassan, 2015). In spiritual abuse, these tactics are framed in religious language, so questioning the leader can feel like questioning God (Oakley & Kinmond, 2013). Lenz's "counseling" sessions with leadership and her on-set minders are clear examples.
Purity culture can become a tool of control. Teachings that tie a person's worth to sexual "purity," especially for women, can create deep shame, fear of one's own body, and obedience to whoever decides what counts as pure (Klein, 2018). In high-control groups, these teachings can go beyond personal belief and become a way to control who you date, who you marry, how you dress, and whom you trust.
Feeling superior can keep people stuck. Lenz describes something many survivors recognize. Belonging to the group came with a feeling of being chosen, set apart, and more spiritual than people outside it. Leaving meant facing painful truths: that she had been wrong, that she had judged others, and that she had trusted people she shouldn't have. Cognitive dissonance research helps explain this. When admitting a mistake threatens our sense of who we are, our minds work hard to avoid it (Festinger et al., 1956). Staying can feel easier than facing that shame.
🧭 ACT lens
This is where ACT has something important to offer.
Research separates guilt ("I did something wrong") from shame ("I am something wrong"). Guilt tends to lead people toward repair. Shame tends to lead them toward hiding, defending, and staying stuck (Tangney et al., 2007). For many people leaving high-control groups, the hardest part isn't the leaving itself. It's the shame waiting on the other side.
ACT invites us to hold "I was wrong" without collapsing into "I am bad." Those are two very different thoughts. You can notice the second one as just a thought, a harsh story your mind is telling, without treating it as the truth about you.
Self-compassion makes that possible. It's often mistaken for letting yourself off the hook, but research suggests the opposite: people who respond to their mistakes with self-compassion are more motivated to learn and change (Breines & Chen, 2012). Kindness toward yourself doesn't erase accountability. It makes accountability bearable.
Then comes the values question. High-control groups hand people a list of rules. Recovery means rediscovering your own values, and for many people that includes a faith that belongs to them again.
“You can hold ‘I was wrong’ without collapsing into ‘I am bad.’”
🔧 Skills you can use today
Check whether your community supports your values or replaces them. Healthy groups welcome questions, respect your other relationships, are transparent about money, and let you leave without punishment. If any of those feel risky to test, notice that.
Separate guilt from shame. When you think "I can't believe I…," try rewording it: "I made a choice I regret, and I'm learning from it."
Offer yourself the words you'd offer a friend. Try: "You were looking for belonging. That need makes sense. You deserved people who wouldn't use it against you."
Reconnect with one person from before. High-control groups often cut people off from old relationships. A single message to a family member or old friend can be a meaningful step back toward your own life.
Look for support that understands spiritual abuse. Some therapists specialize in religious trauma and high-demand group recovery, and many work respectfully with clients who want to keep their faith. If control is happening in a relationship, the National Domestic Violence Hotline (1-800-799-7233) can help.
🧷 Untrendy but True
Being deceived doesn't mean you're foolish. It means you were hoping for something good, and you still deserve to find it.
Resources for the Curious
📚 Books
Dinner for Vampires by Bethany Joy Lenz: an honest memoir about how gradually a good person can be pulled into a high-control group.
Pure by Linda Kay Klein: a compassionate look at how purity culture shaped a generation of women, and how they're healing.
Cultish by Amanda Montell: an accessible explanation of how language builds belonging and control, from churches to fitness studios.
🎧 Podcasts
IndoctriNation, hosted by Rachel Bernstein, LMFT: a therapist specializing in cult recovery talks with survivors.
The Rise and Fall of Mars Hill (Christianity Today): a thoughtful account of abusive church leadership, told from within the faith community.
Sounds Like a Cult, hosted by Amanda Montell and Isa Medina: a lighter, smart look at the "cult-ish" dynamics in everyday life.
References
Baumeister, R. F., & Leary, M. R. (1995). The need to belong: Desire for interpersonal attachments as a fundamental human motivation. Psychological Bulletin, 117(3), 497–529. https://doi.org/10.1037/0033-2909.117.3.497
Breines, J. G., & Chen, S. (2012). Self-compassion increases self-improvement motivation. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 38(9), 1133–1143. https://doi.org/10.1177/0146167212445599
Festinger, L., Riecken, H. W., & Schachter, S. (1956). When prophecy fails. University of Minnesota Press.
Hassan, S. (2015). Combating cult mind control (30th anniversary ed.). Freedom of Mind Press.
Klein, L. K. (2018). Pure: Inside the evangelical movement that shamed a generation of young women and how I broke free. Touchstone.
Lenz, B. J. (2024). Dinner for vampires: Life on a cult TV show (while also in an actual cult!). Simon & Schuster.
Oakley, L., & Kinmond, K. (2013). Breaking the silence on spiritual abuse. Palgrave Macmillan.
Tangney, J. P., Stuewig, J., & Mashek, D. J. (2007). Moral emotions and moral behavior. Annual Review of Psychology, 58, 345–372. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev.psych.56.091103.070145