Not about “winning”—about living your values in conversations that matter.

🗣️ when justice and effectiveness collide

We care about fairness and truth. And most of us don’t want to “win” at the cost of a relationship we value. This post is about topics and people you care about—values-aligned conversations worth doing well. If a topic or relationship isn’t important enough to try to connect, you are free to opt out. Effectiveness is a choice, not an obligation.

When you do choose to engage, people rarely change because we corner them with facts. They shift when they feel heard, respected, and autonomous.

🧠 What the science shows

Listening reduces defensiveness and increases openness. High-quality listening (attention, empathy, non-judgment) increases speakers’ self-insight and willingness to consider new views (Kluger & Itzchakov, 2022).
Reactance is real. When people feel controlled, they resist—even good ideas. Preserving autonomy reduces pushback and improves cooperation (Steindl et al., 2015).
Affirmation before advice. Empathy, reflections, and affirmations reliably reduce resistance and elicit “change talk” (Miller & Rollnick, 2013).
Validation calms the system. Accurate, non-agreeing validation reduces arousal and supports problem solving (Linehan, 2015).

🔧 Skills you can use today

1) orient to being effective, not right

Goal: Protect the relationship and your values while increasing the odds of being heard and understood.

Name your value: “I want justice with compassion here.”
Defuse the “must win” story: “I’m noticing the thought that conceding anything means I’ve lost.”
Choose a workable next step: ask one open question, reflect one feeling, or make one specific, doable request.
Autonomy signal: “It’s my call,” “Would any of this fit my goals for this conversation?” (Steindl et al., 2015; Miller & Rollnick, 2013).

2) Interpersonal Effectiveness skills (Linehan, 2015)

A) DEAR MAN (for making an ask)
Goal: Get your need met without burning the bridge.

Describe (facts only) • Express one feeling • Assert a clear ask • Reinforce mutual benefit • Mindful of values • Appear confident (don’t shrink) • Negotiate by offering options

B) GIVE (for preserving the relationship)
Goal: Maintain connection while you disagree.

GIVE: Gentle • Interested • Validate • Easy manner

C) FAST (for maintaining self-respect)

Goal: Maintain integrity while you disagree.

FAST: Fair • (no) Apologies for existing • Stick to values • Truthful.

(Notice: you can validate emotions and perspectives without agreeing with conclusions.)

🧷 Untrendy but True

Being effective isn’t betrayal. It’s strategy in service of your values. You can honor truth and choose methods people can actually receive—and you can also choose not to engage when that best serves your values.

For the Curious

🎧 Podcasts

Think Fast, Talk Smart (Stanford GSB) — Applied communication tactics for high-stakes moments.
A Slight Change of Plans (Maya Shankar) — How identities shift and minds change.
Hidden Brain — Cognitive biases, reactance, and moral cognition in plain English.
You Are Not So Smart — Motivated reasoning and persuasion myths, demystified.

📚 Books

It’s Time to Talk (and Listen) — Kim & del Prado (2019). Practical, identity-savvy scripts for real-world hard talks.
Thanks for the Feedback — Stone & Heen (2014). How to receive (and shape) tough messages so conversations move forward.
Say What You Mean — Oren Jay Sofer (2018). Mindful communication meets non-violent communication (NVC)—calm, clear, and kind.
Nonviolent Communication (3rd ed.) — Marshall B. Rosenberg (2015). Core NVC skills for empathy, needs, and doable requests.

References

Cialdini, R. B. (2021). Influence: New and expanded. Harper Business.
Kluger, A. N., & Itzchakov, G. (2022). The power of listening at work. Annual Review of Organizational Psychology and Organizational Behavior, 9, 257–283.
Kunda, Z. (1990). The case for motivated reasoning. Psychological Bulletin, 108(3), 480–498.
Linehan, M. M. (2015). DBT skills training manual (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.
Miller, W. R., & Rollnick, S. (2013). Motivational interviewing: Helping people change (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.
Steindl, C., Jonas, E., Sittenthaler, S., Traut-Mattausch, E., & Greenberg, J. (2015). Understanding psychological reactance: New developments and findings. Frontiers in Psychology, 6, 155.

Being Right vs. Being Effective: How to Actually Reach People